I was born in Winnipeg, in the flat prairies of Canada where wheat is grown and there isnt a mountain to break the horizon. I grew up in Vancouver where mountains crown the lips of the Pacific.
If you come to a land with no ancestors to bless you, I read recently, you have to be your own ancestor, This was the case in 1973, when my husband and our two young daughters settled in Kibbutz Beit HaShita, in the Jezreel valley of Israel where we watched the pioneers tilling their dreams in the tough land, and saw their children shaping their own, then, twenty-five years later we moved across the way, to a small community crawling up the Gilboa mountains.
These are my addresses, the landscapes that feature in the ongoing dialogue of then and now. I have been introduced as Canadian-Israeli. Could be called double-exiling, but I gratefully call it double birthing. This has taught me about displacement and replacement, that home is essentially the place where everything makes sense, that imagination is under the scrutiny of fact. That dreams and reason sometimes collide.
I tried to connect the tangled story of where Ive been. My guess is Ive panicked here
and there. Ive grabbed at moments that seemed manageable. Sometimes Ive told too much, and I want to cover that part up, take it back. Sometimes I havent had the courage to tell it all. Sometimes details have swelled into a sweaty sinew, in other places Ive reduced events because Ive struggled to make strange experiences familiar.
I reported that time, it seems now, as though Im outlining territory, as though Im reporting the weather. Memory has chased me, I see that clearly. Ive been so determined to trap those images; I folded and refolded them till they fit
The Startled Land.
Much of it I didnt recognize till I saw it on the page, then it stuck, stilled like a magnet.
The story has grown as one page followed another, till it became a familiar map. I trust the transitions, am devoted to the dilemmas. It continues as I sort the fabric of the flesh, witness the decisions of the seasons. My guess is that the story is bigger than
it seemed at the time.
Occasionally Ive interrupted the shape of things, simplified the plot because Ive resisted
what was, then filled the empty corners with hope. Separating my life into words, I feel the power of where Ive been, but Im jolted by the connections, as though Ive stuffed my life into another womans dress.
I see that there was no better place to start than
I came to join the women.
Yet, I must admit thats not the whole story.
I realize now, I had
no choice but to bend,
invent new posture.